Have you ever been in a place where you are just half way going through life? You almost feel numb because you are just trying to get through the day. This kinda sums up the way I've felt recently...until the last few days. As many of you are aware, I'm a somewhat busy girl :-) I'm a wife to an amazing man and a mother to one of the most unbelievable 1yr old's I have ever known (no bias of course).
One the side, I'm a 3rd year pediatric resident (i.e. a physician who is finishing training). Not mention all of our wonderful friends, small group, supper club, bible studies, etc. Please don't get me wrong, I LOVE all of those things. They are what keeps me moving and smiling.
However, for the past few months I've felt like I'm half-you-know-what'ing every single one of the things above, especially to Matthew, Ryan and my career. I felt so pulled in all directions and wasn't investing entirely to any of them. (that was a hard sentence to write). I struggle with working enough and too much, being home with my family, being a mother, a cook, an organizer, etc. I struggle with feeling called to medicine but not knowing quite which avenue yet (and figuring out how to do all of the above things the way God would have as well).
All you working moms can surely relate. But this was deeper than the everyday struggle I had grown to know and deal with. You see, usually when I'm feeling down about one area something happens in another and it all balances out :-). But this nagging or lack-there-of, however you wish to view it was different. Something big had been missing. Then one day it hit me, smack in the face. God's Grace and unrelenting love for me. It was like He all of a sudden said, "no more". You are mine and I want more time with you. I had become way to slack with the one thing in the world that was more important than all of the things I mentioned above. And now I have this crazy desire to spend time with Him, sing to Him, thank Him, on-and-on-and-on!
Now, I am in no way pretending I'm now perfect, but God is doing some crazy things in my heart. The old me would be barreling through wanting to know the end. However, this time, I'm trying to enjoy the ride to wherever He is taking me. I'm still struggling but things seem more....full.
That my friends is God's amazing grace! I am so thankful I serve a God and Lord who will relentlessly pursue and love me, regardless of how far I away I drift. More updates to come and He continues to change my heart!